By Katy Red.
The tube in rush hour is a strange place. There are not many situations one finds oneself pressed against total strangers, unless of course you have attended certain hedonistic soirees in Portland Place, but that’s for another day.
No indeed, it can prove to be a most challenging environment. And may I add a highly under-rated place in which to pull. People often write off the daily commute as half an hour of hell, sweat and discarded Metro papers. At best 30 minutes staring at an advert for car insurance or a poem on the underground (jeez thanks for that, feel so much better about spending 8 grand a year on a travel card), at worst a fight to the death for a seat. The same applies to buses, trams and the overground and, I am led to believe, all major cities in the UK.
However, and here comes the science bit, actually this hellish hour could, and indeed should, be utilized as a perfect pulling paradise. Listen up boys; you’re about to get yourself a Monday morning flirt off.
People are creatures of habit. If observed over a period of time you will notice that not only do they catch the same train, order the same coffee, stuff the same Danish pastry into their starving mouths at exactly the same time every day, they will also tend to sit, or at least try to sit, on the same seat in the same carriage in the same train. And this, my friend is your way in. Find your prey, observe her habits and wait to pounce.
Once you have done this, make it your sole goal in life to GET a seat in said carriage. But I live in Camden I never get a seat! I hear you cry. Nonsense, if this be the case you need to set your alarm early, travel back to High Barnet where the seats are vast and plentiful and find your spot. Wait…. wait … wait, until BANG she gets on and you get up and OFFER HER YOUR SEAT.
Now I have some big news for you boys, forget all this modern woman rubbish, nothing, nay nothing is sexier than manners. A grossly under-rated attribute of the modern age, open a door, give up a seat, offer an umbrella and you’re half way there.
Once she has accepted the seat, she has no excuse but to make eye contact, to say thank you and may even (gasp!)… smile. Trust me, your 4 am rise and commute back out to the suburbs will pay dividends. How possibly can she avoid your eyes after such a gallant gesture the next time you are on board? Next move? Throw her a wink on Tuesday; she’ll be putty in your hands.
These simple moves will establish that you are no longer strangers. And next time she alights at Moorgate (But I don’t get off at Moorgate! oh be quiet, this could be your wife, or at the very least a night out and a blowjob), you approach her and go in for the kill. Hey presto you have a girlfriend, thanking you.
There are of course additional details you must adhere to should you want the plan to work.
- Smell good. This doesn’t mean don’t smell bad it means actually smell good as in make the effort to apply some cologne. Not too much mind you but just enough.
- Invest in a decent suit. I am presuming that the majority of men travelling towards the city in rush hour would be in formal attire. Should you be wearing jeans sadly I have no advice for you, you are clearly freelance, aka unemployed and will be more likely scratching your balls and turning a kettle on at 9.30am than travelling to work in a real job.
- Under no circumstances ever carry a rucksack with a suit. The most beautifully cut apparel can be destroyed in one fowl swoop with a North Face backpack. And I don’t care how many files you have, get a memory stick.
- The same goes for casual overcoats/footwear/headgear. I do not want to be able to imagine what you look like climbing Loch Lomond on a February morning. I want to picture you in a private office running a company or, dear Lord, at the very least, a department.
- Ties must be neutral and expensive and most definitely not themed. Which means no Disney characters, ‘festive’ paraphernalia, words or gimmicks; you thought that one you bought with Homer Simpson wearing a Christmas hat on it and sinking a beer was funny? It is not.
- Do NOT eat. Or chew. A small coffee is passable. Just.
- Be extremely selective with your reading matter. Books that are not acceptable include The Secret, The Rules or anything offering any form of self help (in fact I’ll make it simple, if it has The in the title, drop it), over-hyped best sellers including Another Day, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or The Crimson Petal and the White; which brings me onto period novels, don’t even think about it unless you are a dandy, with a pipe on your way to pick a servant from the poor house. And most heinous of all, ANY Harry Potter books. This will not make you look like an on trend kind of guy who’s down with the kids, it will however do an excellent job of totally ridding you of any Monday morning flirting whatsoever. Poor feeble children’s book reading fool. Thrillers, autobiographies, crime, non-fiction? Crack on.
But most of all, have manners. You would be amazed what a gentile gesture a wink and a smile will do for your sex life. So unless you are paralytic, disabled or pregnant, get up!
Now you have the instructions and tools to go forth and flirt. Should you still need a little extra Dutch courage may I recommend a small hip flask of your favourite libation? Just don’t make a habit of it.
Us girls are easier than you realise to charm, go on I dare you….
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