I was chatting to a friend yesterday. She is single and in rather a quandary about why. My conclusion was, not that she was too fussy but that her type was too specific. She had a very small age window to negotiate around (and is yet to experience the joys of saga sex) she likes her men, tall, dark and yes you’ve guessed it handsome. What hope has the poor girl got? Must they play the mandolin and be fluent in Lithuanian too?  My advice was to broaden the spectrum, I’m not suggesting she dates a dwarf or gasp…. marries a ginger (although again, I consider this to be a category grossly under-rated in the boyfriend department. Why I had a fine relationship with a ginge once, despite the high freckle count.) No, she just needs to think out side the box.
Our conversation lead me to consider my own type. Why was I attracted to certain types of men and not others? It certainly wasn’t hair colour, taste in music, culinary preferences or dress sense for God knows they’ve been varied over the years, and naturally it’s important to have things in common. No the linking factor between the men that have meant anything to me in my life leads back to one thing –  their sense of fun.
Men you want to get a date, get laid, get married – BE FUN.
Example if you will: A while back I dated a man. He was a decent sort of fellow and was particularly successful in his career, one which allowed him in fact to lead a pretty fulfilling and, should he want it, exciting life. We went for dinner on our first date which was lovely, conversation flowed we had a lot in common and he was handsome. I got excited.
Bingo what could possibly go wrong? And then we arranged our second date. Would I like to come and watch a DVD with a bottle of wine at his house. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting a private tour around the Royal Albert Hall followed by Dinner in Paris but really a DVD on a 2nd date? What  next I wonder? An online tutorial about how to fill out your tax return form over a pint of cider?  a trip to the imperial war museum, a day trying to visit every underground station on the tube map (although actually that could be quite fun with a hipflask and a deadline)??
Sadly he is not alone in his warped sense of what constitutes an entertaining night. I have often come across these strange creatures that consider DVD watching as a date option, have read their loathsome profiles online –
…I love nice restaurants especially a good curry, or a night on the tiles but am equally as happy to cuddle up with a good DVD and a bottle of red’
ARGG!!! Get out of my inbox you boring fucker!
DVD’s? Red wine? Cuddles? This seems to be the online dating catch phrase for men, and says to me at best you have absolutely no originality what so ever to come up with something wittier and individual (and no, throwing the word ‘proverbial’ in doesn’t make it OK) or at worst you genuinely do want to spend the night with a rom-com and bottle of Beaujolais.
The concept of this riles me so much in fact that the last profile I wrote included the following – (I’d like to meet) someone who doesn’t mention DVD’s in their profile, or red wine (in the context of DVD watching) or how much they love their dog. A little droll, a little harsh but you know what, I have been dating for over 15 years. Trust me when I say I ‘m in no mood for fucking around anymore, judging a book by it’s cover? A whole person on one paragraph? You bet I am.
And yet, and yet still they come thick and fast, of course they vary slightly in structure ‘ I love a night in with a film and glass of something nice’ ‘Iooking forward to getting cosy with a good box set ’ but the message is the same. Tell me anything else. You like abseiling in Kilimanjaro, you’re in a synchronized swimming team at the Hackney lido, you’re the UK origami nation champion, you’re idea of a perfect date is feeding the meerkats on a Monday morning at Whipsnade Zoo, anything! But the dreaded bottle of red and DVD.
Needless to say I didn’t see Mr Box set again. I may have thrown away a potential partner for life but somehow I doubt it. A second date should be about going out, doing things, having fun not about the 2nd series of 24 and a chicken madras.
Men the lesson is this – no woman, and yes I speak for the entire world, would rather watch the godfather trilogy than be taken out for a nice meal and a fun date. No woman likes ‘the office’ so much she would choose it over getting glammed up and whisked off somewhere exciting. DVD’s should be reserved for hangovers or at least until you’ve been together long enough that you’ve got fuck all to say to each other anymore and can’t be arsed to book a table anywhere.
Life is short boys and good ladies scarce. Treat them well and show them off. The I player was invented for a reason. I suggest you start using it.

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